Pregnancy

I'm finally ready to write about the pregnancy, Scarlett's birth, and all the postpartum.

I want to, but I don't. Aaron asked me the other day why I'm even going to write about it then. So I thought about it, and I need to because I want to get it past me then continue on with the fun posts. I can't write about what's happened since Scarlett's been born because I want everything to be in order. But I've been avoiding everything that has to do with the pregnancy and birth because it was all so hard and so incredibly different than it was with Silas. Not writing about it feels like I'm ignoring it, which I have been, and it's something that impacted me so much that I can't ignore it.

I'm sitting here with eyes full of tears while nursing my sweet Scarlett Elena on my lap.

What a small price to pay.
Everything I've endured seems so small compared to this little life in my arms. Such a precious, precious little girl.

I flip flop between feeling guilty and justifying the way I felt.

This pregnancy was hard. I'm not sure where I left off in previous posts with the pregnancy and I wont go back to check. But long story short, the pregnancy started out great and around 20 weeks I started to get some varicose veins. I've never had any vein issues so this was all new. It started as a cluster in my groin, and week by week it painfully inched it's way down to my foot on my right leg. (Isn't that the worst? I hate the words "groin" and "cluster" and here I am with an issue there... saying them over and over. Ah!)

I had so many people say "I didn't know varicose veins hurt?" Which just made me feel worse... because it was torture and no one really knew how bad it was.

I wore all kinds of compression tights from 20 weeks on. My favorite, if I should even call them that, were the toeless knee high socks. I only had to wear one and along as the bottom part of my leg and foot were compressed, then everything else was more bearable.
But wow. Compression tights. Ugh.
Hot.
Extremely hard to put on. Especially with a huge belly!
and hot.
and not cute.
and expensive!

All varicosity would completely disappear when laying horizontal, but the minute my foot went below heart level the blood rushing down felt like fire. The worst burning sensation. I also was covered in spider veins that felt like bruises. My whole right leg felt warm, was red, and felt heavy all day every day. Wearing compression tights helped with the discomfort in my lower leg but my thigh and groin couldn't be helped. Most afternoons and evenings I would ace bandage a bags of ice on my groin to alleviate the burning.

The pictures don't seem to capture how bad it felt. This is also not even the worst of it, but I'll stick with pics of the lower leg for privacy's sake. ;)

There were times I had to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and I would crawl because the pain was so bad. Times when I would hop around rather than put pressure on my leg. Times I couldn't get out of the car because I couldn't go from sitting to standing without breaking down because of the burning shooting pain. Times when Aaron had to carry me. Times when even my sweet three year old would lay her hands on me and pray for me because I couldn't function.

It was miserable.
I was miserable.
And I hate that.

I don't have any "bump" pictures with Scarlett. Well, except the ones where I just happened to be the shot of someone else taking a picture.
And that... that makes me cry. No pictures with my precious, sweet baby girl in my belly. ... Because I couldn't see past it. And that's sad.

Maybe this is turning out to be a miserable post anyway? Boo.

But there was good that came from it all. And the good is Jesus.

I've never known what it was like to turn to him when I was weak, like really weak, until this most recent pregnancy. I played worship throughout the house all day every day because it was the only way I make it through the day.

I'm not sure who said this, but I saw this the other day and it hit home.
"Worship gets you through the hardest times in your life because it shifts your focus from the problem to the problem solver."

This pregnancy spiritually grew and matured me.

I was also able to get in to see a vascular surgeon several months before my actual appointment. He only sees two varicose vein patients two days a week and he chose to see me on a day he doesn't normally see them (an answered prayer, praise The Lord!). I had several ultrasounds checking for DVTs and appointments with him throughout the remainder of my pregnancy. I had a lot of reflux  in both legs. He had never seen anything like this before. I was cleared for surgery to close off some of the veins in the cluster in my groin to help get me through the rest of the pregnancy. It was supposed to be right at 36 weeks, but I decided to hold off until after I delivered to see where I was with it all.

So anyway. As pathetic as it sounds, that was my pregnancy. It seems silly to even mention all of the other pregnancy woes and I actually forget them when I think of the pregnancy. You know, acid reflux, waking up in the early AM to throw up from said acid reflux, the many trips to the bathroom, back aches, etc.. But this vein stuff consumed me the whole time. I was excited for our sweet girl, but in all honestly, I had a hard time focusing on her because of all the physical discomfort.