Cloud nine.

Someone pinch me.

Is this my life?

Is this really who I get to spend the rest of my life with?

We're definitely walking through a sweet season of marriage right now.

I sure do love you, Aaron.

Whoa! Dating days.

And now I'm realizing how badly we need to have pictures taken together!

Parenting a toddler.

Yesterday, I reached my max.

You always hear people talk about the "terrible twos" but I never thought they were that terrible until recently. I'm sure it has a little to do with a new baby in the family, but three is looking like it's going to be much more difficult (and also so fun!!) than two ever was.

Sophia will be three next month.

Last Saturday I took her to gymnastics and left Silas to sleep at home with Aaron since he wasn't feeling well. It's a mommy and me class so I'm out there with her guiding and helping her at each station. And I kid you not, my child seems to be the only one running away from me and towards everything we're not supposed to be doing yet. ...or maybe all the other parents are way faster than me, catching their littles before they get too far. ... No, Sophia is a runner. And fast! Too fast for my floppy self. I couldn't help notice how quiet and calm all the other children were. Maybe we're just in a class full of timid toddlers. Hm..

Aaron took these at our first gymnastics class. Wish we had a better picture, but Aaron dropped his phone in water and now his pictures turn out a little off. Doesn't Sophia's face say it all though? Maybe she's just REALLY excited about gymnastics....

I just spent a while writing out everything that went wrong that morning at gymnastics and realized how whiny I must sound. Ah. Maybe she gets her whining from me... :/

After many tears from Sophia not getting her way and a humongous tantrum in the car over the color of her sticker, I've come to the conclusion that I think we may have spoiled Sophia.
Or are all toddlers like this?
Is this a first born thing?
Is this what we have to look forward to?
Three years.
Huge tantrums.
Constant whining.
Battles over every little thing.
The saying "no" to mom and dad.
Asking "why?" over every. single. thing.

What are we doing wrong? How do we get this under control?

Every day is a little more challenging than the day before.
Please tell me this pattern doesn't continue on into the teenage years.
Speaking of teenage. I was reading some stuff online over disciplining toddlers and came across the term "threenage." Sounds appropriate. Our little diva. Ha!

Oh, yeah.
I said Sophia was a "runner." She runs off and away from me constantly. It's out of disobedience maybe less than half the time, but that doesn't mean that it isn't frustrating.

For Sophia's first birthday we bought her an adorable tiny turtle back pack with a turtle hood you can choose to pull out and wear. It happened to be one of those "leash backpacks" but we've never used it as that. ...until now.

The other day at the mall, I was trying on a few things in Marshall's. Aaron was sitting right outside the dressing room holding Silas and Sophia was sitting in the chair next to him. When I came out, Aaron looked flustered and said Sophia ran all the way out of Marshall's and into JCPenny! I can see it now... Aaron has Silas in one arm, pushing the stroller with the other hand, frantically chasing after a squealing Sophia.

After that ordeal, I started using the turtle back pack leash while she learns to hold onto the stroller handle or someone's hand. Judge me if you must, but it's actually working out really well. When I take the leash off, she's pretty good about holding the handle now.
Add that to the list of "never thought I'd do           while parenting."

Yes, wearing Silas is much easier than hauling around a stroller, feeling like a circus. But I don't like wearing him when I need to have the diaper bag with us. Thinking of switching to a diaper bag back pack anyway.. Plus, we were going to the play place in the mall and had some snacks and water bottles in the stroller.

Last night I had worked hard on making a yummy chicken sweet potato hash, served over rice, with salad for dinner. Aaron was working late, so I set the table for myself and Sophia. As soon as I put her in the booster she started flailing around, crying and screaming about not wanting that food and tried to push her plate away.
My blood was boiling.
This happens way too often now.
I know it's our fault for being so lenient about what she eats and allowing so much junk in the house over the past year, but we're getting back on track with eating better and I'm ready for Sophia get jump on board!
Anyway, I didn't say anything, just took her down and put her on her bed and closed the door while she threw her fit.

And then I checked out.
I ate alone, fed Silas, and checked out. I didn't help Aaron with the bedtime routine. I didn't read Sophia a book or sing songs before bed. I didn't rub her back. I just kissed her goodnight, prayed with her real quick, and shut the door.

How do stay-at-home-moms do it?
If I were to work, I'd be working to pay for childcare since I don't have a degree. I really do believe in being at home with my children. I want to be the one teaching, influencing, and raising them. Plus, I just love it. :)
But learning how to parent and discipline is so challenging sometimes.
Especially when Aaron is at work.
Last night, I wanted to pull my hair out. ...or lock myself in the bathroom and eat a tube of cookie dough while crying.

Back to last night.
I checked out. I wasn't mad or mean... Just felt worn out from the day's meltdowns.
Worn from the encouraging, teaching, redirecting, and correcting my toddler.

Glad I didn't write this post last night. It would have been totally different.

Today I woke up thinking about choosing joy. An awesome woman of God spoke on this two years ago at a motherhood retreat I went to.
Choose joy.
Holy spirit often whispers that to me when I need to hear it the most.

Today is a new day and I'm choosing joy.
Joy in melt downs, that I can listen to Sophia's heart and help her work out her feelings.
Joy in the encouraging, that I'm the one that gets to encourage her that she can do it. Or should do it! ha!
Joy in the teaching, that I'm teaching her life skills throughout the day.
Joy in the redirecting. Because redirecting is a huge thing at this age! Redirecting her curiosity to more appropriate things with fewer boundaries.
Joy in the correcting. That I can practice godly discipline and discipleship with her.

I know three is going to bring many more challenges, but I'm also looking forward to it.
As hard as this age is, it is my favorite age.
I think I say that with every age. ;)

Sophia...
This sweet girl of ours is hilarious! She constantly has us laughing. Even when shes driving us crazy, she's making us laugh.
She is smart! I love watching her learn and remember things.
She is very verbal. Although she never stop talking, I'm glad she's able to communicate so well. The other morning Sophia woke me up, talking away! I said "Sophiaaaa.... I'm not ready to start talking yet..." In a kind of creepy, silly voice she said "... But I am." Ha Ha!
She knows no stranger. I'm smiling now thinking about how easy it is for her to make conversation with anyone everyone.
She is curious. Sophia may not like to listen and do what everyone else is doing (like gymnastics), but she loves exploring and learning on her own. Can you say "natural consequences" ?? Haha.
She has a tender heart, and is learning to be considerate and genuine. She just may need some reminders...
And she is PRECIOUS!

Silas' Birth Story- Part 3

After we found out I had transitioned, we waited for another contraction to hit and as soon as it finished we headed into the room I'd be delivering Silas in. We got in there a little after 7:00pm and baby boy was born at 9:05pm - jsut three hours short of his estimated due date.

Since I wanted this to be as natural as possible, and both Silas and I were doing great, I was allowed to only have a port in my hand (in case of emergency). Try sitting completely still having humongous contractions while a nurse makes several artempts to get a needle in. Wow. After blowing the veins on both of my hands (and not because I wasn't still!) she gave up. Not sure if she was planning on trying again later or what? 

I was going to sit in the shower since I'd read warm water helps with the pain, but right before I got undressed I realized I probably wouldn't be in there very long and I didn't want to get all wet just to get right back out. So I sat on the bed while Aaron put pressure on my hips and back.

I switched positions sitting with my legs in the butterfly stretch and used my arms to push my body off the bed during each contraction. My arms were starting to get pretty tired and I know Aaron's were, too. The nurse also took a minute to monitor me and baby boy.

Aaron had been trying to press on my hips while I was sitting in the bed, but it was an awkward position, so the nurses lowered the back of the bed and Aaron sat behind me to continue the counter pressure. We weren't planning on laboring this way, but I am SO thankful we had the nurses we did and that they suggested it. (Actually, we had ALL the nurses on Labor & Delivery. We were the only ones in that night.)

Being able to literally lean on Aaron between contractions, hear his encouragement right in my ear, and have him laboring with me using all his might to press on my hips made me realize this is how it's supposed to be done. THIS is how God designed it.

I wish I could have gotten a picture from my view. 

By this point, they had turned down the lights.
My mom, all the nurses, and my midwife were making a half circle around the bed, well, away from the bed of course. Sitting and standing. 

Everyone was calm and quietly cheering us on.

I remember thinking between contractions "is this really happening? Is this really me?" I felt like I was watching it all. Then another contraction came and I was quickly reminded, yep! It's me. It's happening.

 

Apparently this is the face I make while pushing a baby out. 

I remember looking over at my midwife. She was sitting near the window. She smiled and nodded as if she were saying You're doing it. You're doing great. Keep going. She told me I could try bearing down and I would feel some relief.

And yes. Bearing down brought relief. It also brought a baby. Ha ha!

She broke my water a few minutes before baby boy was born. Once they saw his head it took four or five pushes. (Can't quite remember.) The head took a few and the body came out on the last.

Now, there was a point when I looked at my midwife with the "crazy eyes" and said I couldn't do it. That was while I was pushing his head out. 

And I'm telling you... 

I morphed into another creature.

I felt like I was going to rip through those hospital walls to get myself out of there!

Even Aaron said he was shocked at how strong my legs were. He was trying to hold them back, and for a minute there, I was trying to put them down. In my mind, I knew I needed to pull my knees back, but my body was seriously objecting! 

Ha ha.

But really, that was all maybe a whole minute? I'm guessing that's what they call  "the ring of fire." 

Yeah, ow.

I never screamed or yelled really. Mostly moaning. Then loud moaning and grunting I guess? 

My midwife and mom kept saying I wasn't very loud and that I did a really great job. That was nice to hear. Still felt like I was turning wild though! ;)

And then we caught our baby. We.
Silas Grayson Byrd 8lbs 1oz, 20"

As soon as Silas was out, we scooped him up and laid on my chest. And I sobbed. Immediately, I began sobbing. Looking back at the videos, they weren't loud cries, actually... they weren't cries I have ever recognized myself do before. I felt an overwhelming amount of emotion, and that was the hormone of love, oxytocin. I hadn't felt that with Sophia and I'm certain it's because of the situation we were in and the fact that I had an epidural. Aaron was also filled with emotion. Through tears he kept saying "my baby boy. My boy. You did it. You're here!"

One of the nurses had been in Labor & Delivery for over thirty-five years. I'll never forget what she said to me. She said, "Thank you for letting us be a part of this. We don't get to see this anymore." (Remember, all the nurses were in our room watching.) I thought that was really cool. Then again, it's sad... It's sad because today's birth looks nothing like this. I just want to shout natural birth from the roof tops!!!!!! We were made to do this. It wouldn't be called labor if it wasn't hard work. But we women were so perfectly created to birth and nurture our babies. Natural birth IS possible. It is emotional and spiritual. It is empowering. Rewarding. Intimate. And it should be normal. I so wish women had more encouragement about it.

Later that night I realized again that this is how marriage, birth, and families are supposed to be. If Sophia were a bit older, she would be welcome to be in the delivery room, too. And just like the nurse thanked me, I thanked my heavenly father. Thank you, Lord! Thank you for letting me be a part of this.

I could get all mushy and gushy but I won't. ;)

If you would have asked me if I thought God would use a birth to strengthen my marriage I would have said no, but He DID! Aaron and I were on cloud nine for weeks after Silas was born and there is still something there that won't ever go away. I can't pinpoint exactly what it is... An understanding of each other? A respect? A deep bond between us? All the above. He always lets me know how proud he is of me and thankful for the way we brought Silas into this world. And then again, when I nurse Silas, even though we've had some challenges. 

I am blown away at how beautifully God designed it all. I wish I were better with words... I wish I could better express the way I felt about it all...

After we spent the first hour with Silas the nurses checked him out, then we brought Sophia in to meet her baby brother. She sat on the bed to hold him and used her most gentle voice to sweetly sing Twinkle Twinkle. It was PRECIOUS.

It was pretty late when she came in. I'm thinking around 10:45pm. She hadn't napped and she was ready to see mama. So I held and loved on her some and let her play with my bed stuff, then we let everyone else come in to see us.

While everyone was in they decided to move us up to the third flood. They pulled the big curtain in the room so I could get up and into the wheelchair. Everyone was on one side visiting and holding Silas, and me, the nurses and I think mom and Aaron, were on the other side. When I stood up I fainted. Aaron told everyone to get out and when I woke up I was back in my bed and my hands were clenched, curled up facing inward laying on my stomach. I asked what happened and how long I had been out. It was only about 15 seconds, but long enough to really scare Aaron. Poor guy.

They said it was because I had heavy bleeding and was a little dehydrated. They ended up giving me an IV with a bag of Pitocin and three bags of fluids. I also slowly started to eat and drink so I could try again in an hour to get back in the wheelchair.

An hour later everyone had already gone home so it was just me and Aaron. With the help of the nurses and Aaron, I made it to the edge of the bed, stood up and sat down in the wheelchair. Then I fainted again. I woke up vomiting into a bag. Talk about a scary way to wake up. It was really scary... We ended up spending the night on Labor & Delivery and moved upstairs the next morning. 

Aaron and I talked for a little while, which was mostly me crying, thanking him for helping me stick to the plan of waiting for Silas to come when he's ready and birthing naturally.

Aaron finally dozed off around 3:00am. He slept on and off for a few hours and somehow I managed to stay awake until 5:00am. One of the sweet L&D nurses offered to hold Silas up at the desk so I could get some sleep. Somehow I managed to stay awake for almost 36 hours straight without feeling that tired. And you know what, the extreme exhaustion I had with Sophia and was waiting to hit never came. OK, maybe it did, but that wasn't for another few weeks. I still believe 100% that having a natural birth and having my body and all my hormones do exactly what they were created to do had every bit to do with it. And I'm not one to skip on sleep. EVER. Mommy adrenaline at its finest. Thank you, papa God.

This has by far been the sweetest moment of my life and I'm not sure there will ever be one sweeter.

Silas' birth taught me much more than I had anticipated.

God taught me more.

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. And he worshiped the Lord there.

- 1 Samuel 1:27-28