Give Yourself Time

I saw something the other day that put so many years into perspective.

I don't remember what I was looking at or for, but I accidentally came across this picture and when I saw it I felt a rush of emotions and let out a little sob. I still tear up when I think about it.

God used this picture to touch my soul so deeply...
So much healing came from this simple art work.
It left me crying for weeks and still brings me to a really sweet place of understanding, grace, and mercy.



I've heard these exact words too many times to count, actually. But for some reason, they didn't quite resonate with me the way this picture did.

I think I forget how visual I am sometimes...

Anyway, when I saw this I literally had a montage-like tornado of memories, years of frustration, and feelings of inadequacy and failure swirling around in my head, and they were all calmed down by it.

You know, we got married and had Sophia all in one month's time. Well, OK, a month and a few days. Very quickly, I found out how challenging it was and would be to take care of my home and my babies all while having a relationship with the love of my life.

Unknowingly, I got caught up in the comparison game.
Happy, thriving children.
Clean house.
Homemade meals.
Clean kitchen after meals.
Natural alternatives.
DIYing.
Time with the Lord.
Devotionals.
Finances.
Book lists.
Keeping my interest and passions burning.
Play dates.
Date nights.
Friends.
Church family.
Community.

And the list goes on and on.
It wasn't even that I was comparing my life to other people's necessarily, but that I was comparing my life to what I thought I should be.

As you know, my pregnancy with Scarlett brought on so many difficult things. I keep finding myself saying "well, now that the fog has lifted, I'm feeling much better." But the fact is, that I'm still saying that and she's two and a half years old. That year was such a blurry, difficult year, and I'm starting to wonder if it also had a lot to do with the ages of the kids, maybe the lack of sleep, the, still, newness (or what still felt new and foreign compared to the rest of my life) of people depending on me for their every meal, or really their every day time need (shout out to my Babe for helping with with those evening and night time hours!).

I guess what I'm getting at is that raising babies/toddlers/young children (and I’m betting adolescents and teens, too, heh) is really challenging. We've entered a new season and I'm honestly loving it. Scarlett is potty trained, everyone can communicate well, and the kids actually play together- sometimes for hours! I feel like I'm swimming around now rather than keeping my head above water. It's nice. It comes with it's issues, but still... nice. And even though I have loved so many minutes of raising my little people, it was so constant and difficult for me that I lost myself a little. And all of these unrealistic standards I had made for myself made life harder. Harder for everyone.

So, I’m 6.5 years into this. Marriage. Motherhood. Homemaker.

I was thinking back to the other day when I noticed the chaos wasn't so... chaotic all of the time anymore. Well, let me rephrase that. The chaos might still be there, by my emotions are no longer dictated by it. I had made dinner (starting at 3:30PM, mind you), fed the family, cleaned up dinner and the kitchen, put the byrdies to bed, grabbed my cup of tea, turned the out the light, walked into my quiet and clean living room, and sat down to watch a weekly show while my kiddos were all fast asleep. All before 7:15PM. And this is kinda my regular routine now (on a good day, of course). But I was thinking back to how impossible this new norm would have been a few years ago and how I would have gone to bed beating myself up over the dishes in the sink and sticky table. Sure, there are still some nights like that, but its OK because I'm realizing it's less often than it is more often. Progess is happening. I am getting it. Hooray!

Six years.

It took me six years to get to that point.
Do I have it all figured out? Ha! Heck no.
But what I do know is that keeping my eyes on Him, and with dedication and willingness, fruit will come.

I’m just so thankful for the ways God speaks to me. So thankful for the way God works. Especially when I don’t even see it coming- when I don’t even know I need it.
But he knows. He knew. He knew my heart and he knew his timing. And I saw that pictures exactly when I was supposed to and that is beautiful to me.

Seeing this picture, a picture that my sweet Sophie girl is drawing for me right next to me, gave me an understanding of grace and mercy for myself that I hadn't had. And if I can have a bit of that for myself, well, it helped me understand grace and mercy that comes from the Father a little bit more. Isn’t he good?



Whatever your season, give yourself time.
He is faithful.

Happy birthday to me! - A post I saved as a draft and decided to publish after several months! ;P

I've been looking forward to my birthday for a few months now. 

28.

Wow... am I really 28?

It's been six months since the fog has lifted. I'd say the days are pretty clear now.

All of the vein issues during my pregnancy with Scarlett and the clotting afterwards... and especially just having a third child... It wrecked me.

w-r-e-c-k-e-d me.

Depression and anxiety are real... they're tricky things. Half the time I was able to cover them up until I was home, and the other half of the time I just didn't leave home.

I hate that I let it rob me of so much.

I think of my precious Scarlett and feel guilt. I don't remember when she got her first tooth, or what day she started to walk, what her first words were or when she said them. (Thank goodness for Instagram because I'm thinking a few of these firsts are somewhere in there.) I just remember the veins. Those damn veins and the discomfort. And I remember the dark days. And the fear of death that hung over me 24/7. And feeling like I would never survive the first year of having an infant, a toddler, and a preschooler.

I'm wondering why I even chose to bring that up? I guess it's because it still feels so much a part of my life. So much of what has happened in the last year and a half has kept me from writing for fear that I would some day regret what it was that I had written. Honestly, I am thankful for all of the trials because they shaped me into who I am today. But I am so happy to be past it all.

Phew.

Anyway, 28.

We've had some major life changes that I'm excited to share, but for now I'm sticking with 28.

You know the feeling you get when something good is coming? Where your hopeful and excited but you still aren't quite sure what is next? That's how I feel about this year.

For a few years now I've struggled with feeling like we belong.

What church to go to?

What friendships to deepen?

Well this year, I feel answers coming. 

Not exactly that I have peace about all of these things yet, but that I WILL. And that gives me peace. So I guess it's faith. Faith that this year will be different and this year I will be able to hear answers.

This year I'm focusing on me. 

That sounds a selfish, but I don't mean it in a selfish way.

When life gets crazy (wait, is it ever not?) the first thing to go is me. Exercise? Gone. Balanced healthy meals? Gone. Sleep? Nope. Quite time? Put on hold. Our bedroom? Total mess. I started to realize how important it is to take care of myself and that just surviving isn't going to cut it. I really am looking forward to taking care of myself. Simple things, too. Like washing my face before bed. Drinking my tea or coffee while it's still warm. Brushing my teeth before lunch (ha!). My absolute favorite is "waking up for my day instead of to my day." I heard that from Kat Lee from Inspired to Action. I've always been someone to do this, but if I get to bed later than I'd like, I don't. It's amazing how much better I feel about the day when I've started it out with a few hours of time with the Lord and myself and 20 oz of water!

This year is the year for Byrdhouse.

I have longed to sew and create for 10+ years. I've had a dream of my own small sewing business for about 5 years and last year finally took pen to paper. I have big dreams for Byrdhouse; starting with Byrdhouse Baby and each year adding on a new branch (things for sister byrd, mama byrd, the byrd nest, etc.) Last year I began working with my amazing sister-in-law and her husband on creating a branding kit. It's been on the slow track since I haven't been in any rush, but this is the year.

This is the year for forgiveness.

I was so excited when I saw that my birthday fell on a Flourish Friday. Flourish has been so good for me. The word Milly gave was exactly what I needed to hear. Although I have heard people speak on forgiveness several times over the years, this time I made some connections that I haven't made before. This time it was as if God was speaking directly to me through her and I couldn't stop the tears once they came. Unforgiveness has been a ball and chain I've been lugging around for years and I'm ready to let go. It is by no mistake that Milly ended with forgiveness and that this meeting fell on my birthday- the birthday I had been looking forward- the birthday that is bringing a new me in this new year. 

I had planned to document more of my birthday, but I forgot some pictures and the ones I have are.. eh..

It started Thursday morning on a breakfast date with my dad. I had been missing our little meet ups for quite some time. We talked for a few hours about all sorts of things and it was wonderful. Since I forgot to get a picture, I'll post the greatest FaceTime screen shot of when he called me on my birthday from the airport.

Thursday night I snuggled all my babies and they fell asleep within minutes of each other. Aaron moved them all to their beds after I soaked in their soft cheeks and stinky breath. Hehe.

Friday morning I was up at my normal 5AM. I like to read books, read my Bible, listen to worship, drink some water, you know... gear up for the day. I made Sophia's lunch in the dark kitchen like I do every morning. It's nice to make a little meal and not be rushed or bombarded with kids. I also made some yummy things for Flourish since it was my table's turn to bring breakfast.

We take the wagon into Flourish when I bring breakfast. The kids love it. Aren't they adorable?

I snapped a picture during worship at Flourish, too. One of my favorite things about Flourish!

After we picked up Sophia from school we cleaned our rooms and the kids played well together for at least an hour. So refreshing! They colored some big cardboard boxes for my "birthday gift." They also colored their arms and faces...

They spent some time outside playing in a little mud spot, too. I like to let them get dirty. Even when Silas sneaks outside in his white Olaf slippers to play in the mud.  Heh.

Aaron brought home pizza since my birthday gift to me was not having to cook dinner. Yeah! Then we had cheesecake with the kids. Yes, I gave myself "28" candles. :)

We got the kids ready for bed and my mom watched them while Aaron and I went on a little date. We went to Starbucks and played my new game Ticket to Ride. It was perfect. I sure do love him.

The next day my mom took me on a surprise shopping trip to Abilene! We laughed about the fact that she wanted to take me to San Antonio, but me and my car-sick self wouldn't have enjoyed such a "long" ride. Haha! It really is so unfortunate that I get car-sick. I've always wondered why that happens? Why me? Ha.

Anyway, it was the best day!!! I was amazed at how long it took me to stop rushing myself. To slow down and chew my food and enjoy a meal. To not walk super fast. To not feel like I'm running late. But eventually, I got there and I really enjoyed hanging with my mom the whole day. Plus, it was pretty awesome to have your mom and dad give you money for a little shopping spree with the instructions to only spend it on yourself. Woo hoo!
I forgot to get a picture of me and mom. Boo. But I did snap a picture of one of my new shirts. I've always liked this little saying. Especially because that's how I like to start my mornings.

 I felt bad for my mom. I fell asleep on the way home. I'm a terrible person to go out of town with. The car-sick one and the one who can't stay awake in the car. But mom is great and let me sleep. We joked that it was my bedtime anyway, 8PM. Except we both new it was no joke...Ha!

I really needed and enjoyed being away from my kiddos for a while. When we got home Silas was asleep on the couch while Aaron was in the other room putting Scarlett to sleep. It was precious. As much as I wanted some time away from them, it was nice to be reunited with my little crew.

It was a great birthday.
I know it's going to be a great year!