I don't remember what I was looking at or for, but I accidentally came across this picture and when I saw it I felt a rush of emotions and let out a little sob. I still tear up when I think about it.
God used this picture to touch my soul so deeply...
So much healing came from this simple art work.
It left me crying for weeks and still brings me to a really sweet place of understanding, grace, and mercy.
I've heard these exact words too many times to count, actually. But for some reason, they didn't quite resonate with me the way this picture did.
I think I forget how visual I am sometimes...
Anyway, when I saw this I literally had a montage-like tornado of memories, years of frustration, and feelings of inadequacy and failure swirling around in my head, and they were all calmed down by it.
You know, we got married and had Sophia all in one month's time. Well, OK, a month and a few days. Very quickly, I found out how challenging it was and would be to take care of my home and my babies all while having a relationship with the love of my life.
Unknowingly, I got caught up in the comparison game.
Happy, thriving children.
Clean house.
Homemade meals.
Clean kitchen after meals.
Natural alternatives.
DIYing.
Time with the Lord.
Devotionals.
Finances.
Book lists.
Keeping my interest and passions burning.
Play dates.
Date nights.
Friends.
Church family.
Community.
And the list goes on and on.
It wasn't even that I was comparing my life to other people's necessarily, but that I was comparing my life to what I thought I should be.
As you know, my pregnancy with Scarlett brought on so many difficult things. I keep finding myself saying "well, now that the fog has lifted, I'm feeling much better." But the fact is, that I'm still saying that and she's two and a half years old. That year was such a blurry, difficult year, and I'm starting to wonder if it also had a lot to do with the ages of the kids, maybe the lack of sleep, the, still, newness (or what still felt new and foreign compared to the rest of my life) of people depending on me for their every meal, or really their every day time need (shout out to my Babe for helping with with those evening and night time hours!).
I guess what I'm getting at is that raising babies/toddlers/young children (and I’m betting adolescents and teens, too, heh) is really challenging. We've entered a new season and I'm honestly loving it. Scarlett is potty trained, everyone can communicate well, and the kids actually play together- sometimes for hours! I feel like I'm swimming around now rather than keeping my head above water. It's nice. It comes with it's issues, but still... nice. And even though I have loved so many minutes of raising my little people, it was so constant and difficult for me that I lost myself a little. And all of these unrealistic standards I had made for myself made life harder. Harder for everyone.
So, I’m 6.5 years into this. Marriage. Motherhood. Homemaker.
I was thinking back to the other day when I noticed the chaos wasn't so... chaotic all of the time anymore. Well, let me rephrase that. The chaos might still be there, by my emotions are no longer dictated by it. I had made dinner (starting at 3:30PM, mind you), fed the family, cleaned up dinner and the kitchen, put the byrdies to bed, grabbed my cup of tea, turned the out the light, walked into my quiet and clean living room, and sat down to watch a weekly show while my kiddos were all fast asleep. All before 7:15PM. And this is kinda my regular routine now (on a good day, of course). But I was thinking back to how impossible this new norm would have been a few years ago and how I would have gone to bed beating myself up over the dishes in the sink and sticky table. Sure, there are still some nights like that, but its OK because I'm realizing it's less often than it is more often. Progess is happening. I am getting it. Hooray!
Six years.
It took me six years to get to that point.
Do I have it all figured out? Ha! Heck no.
But what I do know is that keeping my eyes on Him, and with dedication and willingness, fruit will come.
I’m just so thankful for the ways God speaks to me. So thankful for the way God works. Especially when I don’t even see it coming- when I don’t even know I need it.
But he knows. He knew. He knew my heart and he knew his timing. And I saw that pictures exactly when I was supposed to and that is beautiful to me.
Seeing this picture, a picture that my sweet Sophie girl is drawing for me right next to me, gave me an understanding of grace and mercy for myself that I hadn't had. And if I can have a bit of that for myself, well, it helped me understand grace and mercy that comes from the Father a little bit more. Isn’t he good?
Whatever your season, give yourself time.
He is faithful.
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